There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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