I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
