I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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