They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
