Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize