Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just want to make out with him forever
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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