He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
