The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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