Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I want to fling myself into the sun
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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