Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
