Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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