Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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