so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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