I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
