I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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