matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
