so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I can't turn off my feet"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
