Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
