My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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