Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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