Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I need to stop coming to work sober
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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