he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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