The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
