my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
