Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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