my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
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