I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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