apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
