If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize