Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
