I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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