i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Randomize
