im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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