I queefed so loud it echoed.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
