I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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