The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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