Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
