I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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