I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
