You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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