Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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