we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
