i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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