that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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