I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
