I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
