Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
