Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
3pm strippers are depressing
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
