I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
