Why are handjobs necessary in class?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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