Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
