I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
