He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
