Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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