I just pynch a tree in the face
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize