i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
