so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You pole danced in your parka.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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