im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
