I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
