I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
