put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
