Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My vagina is officially offended.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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