I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
