I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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