I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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