those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
